This is a transcript of a voice-note I made in the middle of writing what I hope to be my last legal argument in family court on 19 August. But if needed, I will keep writing them.

CW: discussion of carceral legal systems and systemic patriarchy

I really wanted to write about this, but I don't have the bandwidth to write. So I'm going to just speak out what I am feeling.

I have spent the last 6 hours writing what is going to be the 3rd legal defense—legal argument, I guess—for the Belize Magistrate Court. On my own. I know for a fact that the magistrate court is not asking other unrepresented women to do this. I know because no one who is working a full-time job and taking care of children would be able to do this. It takes too much time. And many women in Belize cannot afford attorneys. There would be other people who are unrepresented—maybe they would get access to legal aid, maybe they wouldn't.

I had a very, very difficult time even getting into contact with legal aid. After 2 months of trying to get in contact and communicate with someone, they told me they can't take on my case. They didn't tell me why, but I later looked up the law and saw that I'm not eligible for legal aid because I'm not a permanent resident and I'm not a citizen. In Belize, only permanent residents and citizens are eligible for legal aid. Even though I have applied for permanent residency, it hasn't been processed. I was told it could take up to a year, perhaps even longer.

I am very frustrated by this because I know these are procedural hurdles the judge is creating to exhaust me. He wants me to give up. He wants me to become overwhelmed so I can't continue fighting for my safety. He is aware that I have an autoimmune illness. He is aware that this situation being ongoing for so long has caused me to have to up my medication. He is aware that the doctor specifically said my conditions are exacerbated by stress. And he is intentionally doing this. I've been watching him do this and smirk while he's doing it. He's getting enjoyment out of it.

Just think about the sort of man who would want to become a judge in patriarchy. Sit with that. People who are very controlling. Many men feel entitled to control women. This is a Caribbean man presiding over domestic violence cases, protection order cases. He often has people's lives in his hands, and he enjoys watching them suffer. He likely is an abuser himself, because he seems to have a great deal of sympathy for my ex, who is in every way violating the law and the protection order.

TheBelmopan judge, Magistrate Edmund, has completely dismissed all the evidence. He wouldn't even allow the attorney for the respondent to look at the evidence. He actually told her: do not look at the evidence. Don't bother responding to it. I'm not going to look at it. The reason he did that is because if he looked at the evidence, he would have to grant a longer-term protection order. He couldn't continue to dismiss it.

My estranged spouse has violated the protection order more than once. And the judge is just like, this is fine. I'm not going to look at any of the evidence.

So I intend for this to be my last time going to court about this specific thing. I'm going to be reporting again that he has violated the protection order. This is the evidence. This is what he committed to. He has not done what he said he would do. He is completely laughing in the face of the court—but he's not laughing in the face of the court because the court is laughing with him. He's laughing in my face that I thought going to court was going to mean anything. That's what he's doing. And the judge is sitting there, fist bumping him, essentially. Boys club. A white man and a black man.

And that was how I began to see that patriarchy is deeper than racism. That patriarchy is the root of racism. It's the father of racism. And to address racism, we have to dismantle patriarchy first. Dismantling patriarchy will defang racism and begin to unravel it.

This is a change from where I have sat before, where I thought that racism as my primary target. It is a paradigm shift for me. Living in Belize showed me that even when racism isn't the primary issue, patriarchy is actually just as or even more oppressive. In the US racists are killing black people, immigrants and women in both groups are mainly killed by the men of their own communities. In Belize the predominant social ill is patriarchy. Patriarchy is causing femicide, and gang violence, and poverty and corruption. Racism is an issue but its not the primary issue.

In the US, my fear was from cops. But in Belize I am afraid of men. I actually have only ever experienced physical violence directed at me from men. If not for gender-based violence and abuse I would not have experienced violence in my life at all.

I'm documenting all of this because at some point, I am going to write about it-- the courts, the patriarchy & racism connection... all of it. And once I have the resources, I am going to pursue justice in a way that actually affects my estranged spouse. He may not be concerned about this protection order case, but what he will be concerned about is money. Its the only thing he cares about. This has been so egregious that at this point, I'm just going to be American about it. I will file a lawsuit. Just wait until I have the resources, because I am going to pursue every avenue of recuperating the cost to me that I can within the law. I've already decided that's what I'm going to do.

Uranus is approaching my Venus in Gemini, transiting my 8th house for the next 8 years. I have time. And the statute of limitations hasn't started yet because he is continuing to be abusive. This is an ongoing thing. It's not just something that happened in the past.

I just needed to document this. I've done Qigong today. I am doing my best to eat anti-inflammatory foods. I'm taking my medication. I'm doing my best to rest as much as I can, although I have not been sleeping well because of the stress and the pain from my autoimmune condition being flared essentially for the last 6 months because of this situation.

My body is tired. But I am fighting for myself. There is something that feels congruent—that I'm not self-silencing, that I am fighting for myself. And I need this to be over so I can rest and actually move on with my life. Focus on going back to grad school. Work through this internship. Network. Spend as much time as I can with people here in Seattle.

I am in a moment of intensity. And I am ready for it to be finished. So I can move on and focus my attention on things that are actually going to grow my life in the direction I want to grow—and not just drain my energy.

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